Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Conversations with the Cats While I Suffer with This Cold

I probably haven't mentioned it, dearest readers, but my cats, Spike and Leia, are quite wonderful with my mother.  When she is sick or when her arthritis is particularly painful, they refuse to leave her side, nuzzling her and keeping her warm.

The reason I wish to point this out is that there are some people (you know who you are) who think that all cats are assholes all of the time.  It is not so!  They can be wonderful, empathetic creatures full of love.

Just not for me.


Leia:  Get up and feed me.

Me:  Whut?  Who?  Dark out.  Sick.  Go away.

Leia:  Get up and feed me.

Me:  <cough wheeze cough> Go away.  Not morning yet.

Leia:  I will stick my butt in your face and smother you if you don't get up and feed me.

Me:  <ack!  choking!>  Go away!  Go away! How did you even get into this room?!

Leia:  You left the door ajar the last time you got up to drink the smelly green stuff.  Get up and feed me.  I am standing with all of my weight on this one spot...

Me:  <sneeze, fumble for kleenex, turn over and hide>  Sick.  Sleeping.  Go away.

Leia:  These are my claws.

Me:  <frantic coughing, falling out of bed>  I hate you.

Leia:  That's nice.  Here is my butt again.  Feed me.

Me:  Fine.


Leia:  You did not give me fresh water.

Me:  Whut?  I filled your water bowl.  Go away.

Leia:  I want water dripping from the sink.  You should know that.  I will swat you in the face.  I will swat you again.  Yet again I will swat you.

Me:  Stop that!  Ack!  <sniffle, cough> We left the tap in the tub dripping to keep the pipes from freezing.  Go drink that!

Leia:  That water is for peasants.  Mine comes from the fancy sink.  Get up.  Get up, or I will swat you again.

Me:  Frak you, cat!  I am sick!  Go away.

Leia:  My nails make a lovely sound on these window blinds...

Me:  <get up, trip over sheets, stumble to bathroom>  Fine!  Here!  Here is water dripping from the fancy sink!

Leia:  See how much easier things are for both of us if you just do what you're told?


Leia:  Why are you still in bed?  Get up and open the drapes.

Me:  Ferflenoff

Leia:  Get up and open the drapes.

Me:  Why are you back?  Go away.

Leia:  If you don't get up right now, I will sit on your head.

Me:  Argh!  <cough-cough-cough, gasp, wheeze> What the hell do you want now?!

Leia:  Get up and open the drapes.  There are squirrels outside that need to be intimidated.

Me:  <turn over> Leave the squirrels alone and go bother someone else.  I'm sick.

Leia:  I will bite your left earlobe.

Me:  Ow!  WTF!  I'm bleeding!

Leia:  Get out of that bed and open the drapes!

Me:  Fine!   I hate you!  Dammit!  Can't I sleep in just one damn day?!  <stomp around the house flinging open drapes>

Spike:  Hey!  Good morning everybody!  Look, squirrels!  Oh, birdies!  Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Me:  Hi, Spike.  Yes, birdies.  Go stare at the birdies.  I'm sick.  Going back to...What?  What is this?!

Leia:  Thank you for making a nice warm spot.  Now, go away and let me get some sleep.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Real Conversation with Mom: There is Something Behind the Castle and I Have Jellylegs

Mom:  Alright, I need you to do something for me.  I've been waiting for two whole weeks while you were in Prague.  Okay?  Say you will do this for your mother?

Me: Ferbleargh.

Mom:  What was that?  Did you come home with a cold?!  Stop that!  Now this is serious and scary.

Me:  Schary?

Mom:  Oh, get a cough drop!  Scary!

Me:  Okay, what is it?

Mom:  The cats keep staring at the cat castle.

Me:  They are cats.

Mom:  I think there's something behind it.  A mouse or a snake.  Go look and find out.

Me:  No.

Mom:  Yes!  I am too scared to do it!  You go find out...look, Leia is staring at it right now!

Me:  The cats are psychopaths trying to bend us to their will.  I will not be moved.

Mom:  Look behind that castle right now!

Me:  No.  I am snuggling on the couch with my tea and two weeks of the Daily Show and this cold.  If there is a snake there, leave it alone.

Mom:  You are a terrible daughter.  Just because you have jellylegs, you think you can get away with this.

Me:  Once again, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mom:  Jellylegs!  Jockylegs?  Whatever you got on the plane!  Go find out what is behind the castle.

Me:  No, I will not.  I have the jetlag and a cold and a lack of Jon Stewart.  Do it yourself. 

Mom:  I am going to call Alyce and Watt, and they will tell you that you are a bad daughter.

Me:  Fine. 

Mom:  I should have dropped you on your head harder when you were a baby.