Sunday, August 16, 2015

More Texts Errant

Well, gentle readers, this has been an extremely productive week for me.  But I must say that when I am writing and reading really intensely, some of my other skills are diminished.  Hence the text messages you see below you.  I thought about captioning them, but I think they speak for themselves.  Mostly, they say that I have extremely tolerant friends and relatives.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Short Conversation with Mom: The Bag in the Backseat

Mom:  What is in that big bag in the backseat?

Me:  Oh!  Extra wrapping papers that Cate let me keep!  I can wrap pottery in them.  She just gave them to me.  I like this Cate.

Mom:  Papers?

Me:  Wrapping papers. 

Mom:  Oh.  I thought it was a person's head.

Me:  A what?

Mom:  I thought you might have cut off someone's head and wrapped it up on the backseat.

Me:  I do not know what to say to that.

Mom:  Well, I was going to warn you that if it's a head, it's going to start to smell, especially in this heat, so you should get it out of the car pretty soon.

Me:  I appreciate the advice.

Mom:  You know that if it was a head, you'd let it stink up the car.  And I will not allow that.

Me:  That's a pretty big bag for just a head.

Mom:  It could be other body parts.  You never know with you.

Me:  I have never put any severed body parts of any kind in this car, Mom.

Mom:  Well, you never know.   Just remember what I said about the smell.

Me:  I don't believe that I will ever forget.

Mom:  That's a good girl.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Real Conversation with Mom: The Mail Is, Possibly, Here

Mom:  The mail came early today.

Me:  Was there anything important in it.

Mom:  There was a package yesterday.

Me:  Was there anything important in the mail today?

Mom:  I do not know that.

Me:  Did you check the mail?

Mom:  I brought in the package.

Me:  There was a package today?

Mom:  There was a package yesterday.  It had that computer thingy in it.

Me:  But the mail has already come today.

Mom:  It came early.

Me:  What was in it?

Mom:  How would I know?

Me:  Okay, I am very confused.  You say that the mail came early today.

Mom:  Yes.

Me:  Did you check the mail?

Mom:  I brought in the package.

Me:  The package from yesterday or today?

Mom:  Yesterday.

Me:  But I am asking about the mail today.

Mom:  It came early.

Me:  Are you doing this to me on purpose?

Mom:  No.  [pause] Maybe.

Me:  Mom, what was in the mail today?

Mom: I do not know. 

Me:  Then how do you know that it came early?

Mom:  You should check and see.

Me: I am going to check into a looney bin, is what I'm going to do!

Mom:  I saw the mail person put something in the box.

Me:  Okay.  What was in the box?

Mom:  Yesterday it was a package.

Me:  What was it today?

Mom:  Today we had a substitute.

Me:  A substitute what?

Mom:  A substitute mailman.  He was early.

Me: What did he put in the mailbox, Mom?

Mom:  Actually, it was a woman.

Me:  There is a woman in the mailbox?!

Mom: What are you talking about?

Me: I don't remember.

[5 minute pause involving the fetching of iced tea]

Mom:  Is there anything important in the mail today?

Me:  I don't know.   You're the one who brought it in.

Mom:  No I didn't.  It came early.

Me:  Are you trying to say that you watched the mail delivered, but didn't go find out what is in the mailbox?

Mom:  No, I checked it.  I brought in the package.

Me: The package yesterday.

Mom:  Yes.

[ten minute pause]

Mom:  So are you going to get the mail or not?

Me:  When I recover from this conversation, I will bring in the mail.

Mom:  You are so weird.